tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302853732024-03-07T17:02:28.337-05:00Toilet Time for Tiny Town"It's like Sex & The City except Carrie Bradshaw's been replaced by a much taller less adventorous guy named John" - The re-animated corpse of Gene Siskel
"If you took Jimmy Stewart, Sun Tzu, Scorsese and added just a dash of Hitler you'd have Toilet Time for Tiny Town" - E.B. White's Ghost
"Arghh, Ungghh. Brains! Brains!!! BRAINS!!!" - George Plimpton's ZombieJohn Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-25969579288033003992011-12-16T19:50:00.001-05:002011-12-16T19:50:49.128-05:00Planet of the Apes Party Fun Time<iframe src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/26043132?title=0&byline=0&portrait=0" width="400" height="170" frameborder="0" webkitAllowFullScreen mozallowfullscreen allowFullScreen></iframe>John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-7969981737186110772011-12-16T12:57:00.004-05:002011-12-16T13:08:47.702-05:00I'd buy that for a dollarI love Robocop... like, a lot. I was looking for something about the new Robocop movie slated to come out in 2012, and instead I stumbled on a bunch of other Robocop videos. These are great.<br /><br />Kurtwood Smith's ground breaking performance, remixed:<br /><br /><iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/KhCUMS53sH4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />These are two spots from across the Pacific using Robocop to shill fried chicken and noodles:<br /><br /><iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/7pOoSe2K5DU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br /><iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/2tUag07bW8w" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />And, of course: <br /><br /><iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/85cL1HisrNc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-27627054685586483502011-12-14T12:22:00.003-05:002011-12-14T12:29:27.992-05:00Videos!Hey guys, I've got some videos I've done over the last few months that I thought I'd put up on the old blog. I shot and directed the first, directed the second, wrote and acted in the third, and produced the entirety of the latter. Let's take a look!<br /><br />Matt Koff in "Love Boat Promo Outtakes (1978)<br /><iframe src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/31956937?title=0&byline=0&portrait=0" width="400" height="225" frameborder="0" webkitAllowFullScreen mozallowfullscreen allowFullScreen></iframe><br /><br />Sir Kensington's Theater: Shock & Acceptance<br /><iframe src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/31115199?title=0&byline=0&portrait=0" width="400" height="225" frameborder="0" webkitAllowFullScreen mozallowfullscreen allowFullScreen></iframe><br /><br />Hustlas: Episode One<br /><iframe src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/27864107?title=0&byline=0&portrait=0" width="400" height="225" frameborder="0" webkitAllowFullScreen mozallowfullscreen allowFullScreen></iframe><br /><br />Three Minutes in Turkey<br /><iframe src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/27653620?title=0&byline=0&portrait=0" width="400" height="225" frameborder="0" webkitAllowFullScreen mozallowfullscreen allowFullScreen></iframe>John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-13870247405095815292011-12-12T09:00:00.003-05:002011-12-15T11:30:53.946-05:0010 need to know tips for business management<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhjjYcEWhMD-csa1UXvbJ3vEc4F9YhYdu8r8qxR6JbKlfl12ZNe2s6jbO4KeUIjxOWAzG3xSiuHV7HXC8bHIps1xaCpOF9fVWv0RaaSBQfb_9PrtoQ8Ph0fTye5sUGZyhZapw-/s1600/shutterstock_75909250.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 268px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhjjYcEWhMD-csa1UXvbJ3vEc4F9YhYdu8r8qxR6JbKlfl12ZNe2s6jbO4KeUIjxOWAzG3xSiuHV7HXC8bHIps1xaCpOF9fVWv0RaaSBQfb_9PrtoQ8Ph0fTye5sUGZyhZapw-/s400/shutterstock_75909250.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684182862280792738" /></a><br />1. When on a conference call or in a meeting with clients. Make sure to talk louder than them, and over them. Don't stop just because the client, who is paying you, keeps trying to say something.<br /><br /><br />2. When you decide to screw an employee out of something you owe them, make sure to pretend the reason it happened is because you can't figure out your email, or how the internet works. That makes you seem less evil, and 100% more incompetent.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLPVegVK3iwoVobAzrsWyjeY9zAZgz620Qi4B1FjNEK5FwAYAlOJLgGVIQrOrUyT11d8haOHyYOmzSWZ1J_abC_8-eVGBgJOu2lreIEoN3X0Evj1kKwqOMJAwITDLaw_GhptAP/s1600/shutterstock_75453355.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLPVegVK3iwoVobAzrsWyjeY9zAZgz620Qi4B1FjNEK5FwAYAlOJLgGVIQrOrUyT11d8haOHyYOmzSWZ1J_abC_8-eVGBgJOu2lreIEoN3X0Evj1kKwqOMJAwITDLaw_GhptAP/s400/shutterstock_75453355.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684183488217850674" /></a><br /><br />3. Make sure your lies are super transparent, so that the person you're lying to is good and insulted at your low estimation of their intelligence.<br /><br />4. Whatever business it is you're leading, don't learn anything about it. Make sure you know the least possible information regarding the ins and outs of your company. That information is for the little people.<br /><br />5. This pairs with #4, but you need to micromanage all of the little people. You may not know what they're supposed to be doing, but don't let that stop you from telling them how to do it. Make sure to throw in technical words you heard them say.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxWADew_Y5fZR-6BUvnLyAyKPBo07iF0BoUdHyaEgtVl3pnNP8LJyV7SME5JLBzgsjKLRy0MF1VHC4HF8UUWCokKe6FjPC1N5eFZg4LzNcYiuFAh_PN7vaAj9Q4yJn9dN9zXZK/s1600/shutterstock_74214238.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxWADew_Y5fZR-6BUvnLyAyKPBo07iF0BoUdHyaEgtVl3pnNP8LJyV7SME5JLBzgsjKLRy0MF1VHC4HF8UUWCokKe6FjPC1N5eFZg4LzNcYiuFAh_PN7vaAj9Q4yJn9dN9zXZK/s400/shutterstock_74214238.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684184994531535010" /></a><br />6. If you've failed in your position as team leader, make sure to let everyone below you, who will now be directly impacted with layoffs and pay cuts, know that it's not your fault, and that you're ALL victims. That way they'll know that you're in it with them, and that when they lose their job, and you go home to your stable income, you're practically brothers in arms.<br /><br />7. Do not let people below you voice opinions or ideas in meetings with clients. Clients need to know that your business revolves around you, and no one else. They should feel confident that you've hired lacky yes-men incapable of independent thought.<br /><br />8. If you're starting a business, make sure to spend a lot of money on the appearance of the business, and cut costs on the things necessary to operations... unless those things make the business look shiny.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDhfHiwYJdgdich_lTVHwhqOkNbuEYQX3qa0o-Cfs5MbC4OfrSD8fX69sxq_qX7r37Y2wy6O72HfnS5jeV0S2524omM36MSQP99NPDQ2dupx3zsYZsaCduLRj2x8toYMRfSKxH/s1600/shutterstock_41341660.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 293px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDhfHiwYJdgdich_lTVHwhqOkNbuEYQX3qa0o-Cfs5MbC4OfrSD8fX69sxq_qX7r37Y2wy6O72HfnS5jeV0S2524omM36MSQP99NPDQ2dupx3zsYZsaCduLRj2x8toYMRfSKxH/s400/shutterstock_41341660.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684185790535692770" /></a><br />9. DO NOT DO MARKET RESEARCH. Market research is a waste of time and money. You know your business, and what you're hoping to accomplish with it, better than anybody else. Business is like a swimming pool, if you think there's water in there, jump.<br /><br />10. You are always right... Always. Don't ever let anybody, your employees, the IRS or your dad tell you otherwise.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-30920646322025242612011-12-09T12:52:00.001-05:002011-12-09T12:53:53.621-05:00It's Christmas time in the cityI know you've all been wondering what to get me this year. Well, look no further.<br /><br /><iframe src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/32067654?byline=0&portrait=0&color=ff0179" width="400" height="225" frameborder="0" webkitAllowFullScreen mozallowfullscreen allowFullScreen></iframe><br /><br />I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it.<br />Please gimme gimme gimme.<br />I've been ever so good this year.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-30278925900002451712011-12-08T12:20:00.000-05:002011-12-08T12:20:55.007-05:00Rick Perry: ConfusedRick Perry put out a video recently, which I'm sure you've all seen. If you haven't, take a moment to watch him complain about gays serving in the military while our poor children are forced to hide their Christianity from the world during Christmas.<br /><br /><iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/0PAJNntoRgA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />What I like about Perry's video, is how he shows so much strength in fabricating "liberal attacks on our religious heritage".<br /><br />Now, I don't know what Texas is like around this time of year, but you can't go one fucking block in New York, the gay/liberal/Jew capital of the Northeast, without seeing some sign of Christmas. I certainly haven't heard about any kristallnacht against stores displaying Christmas themes, like Best Buy, Urban Outfitters, or the GAP. Also, so far, the enormous Christmas tree at Rockerfeller Center hasn't been burned down.<br /><br />Thankfully, some of the fine folks over at Second City came up with a retort video. I would donate all of my money to get this on the air.<br /><br /><iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/BbrI3F7p6-o" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-89159483361565658732011-12-08T11:36:00.004-05:002011-12-15T11:31:22.021-05:00PancakesFirst off, this rap is amazing. It's fast, it's well versed, and amazingly, it's coordinated with what he's actually doing.<br /><br />Secondly, this guy is with Rhymesayers, which really needs to start getting more attention outside of the midwest. Rhymesayers has too many great artists to be ignored.<br /><br /><iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Teaft0Kg-Ok" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />Also, fuck Chris Brown.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-8313773322489053132011-12-05T13:06:00.004-05:002011-12-15T11:31:40.677-05:00Will someone please make this?I came across this a couple days ago when I was looking for a video featuring the main theme music from Conan the Barbarian. You know how it is, close to bedtime and all you really want is to get super pumped listening to "Anvil of Crom". Anyhoo, I stumbled on a video titled "Conan the Barbarian: The Musical" and it was really good. Like, it's funny... but I'd also pay money to see this on Broadway.<br /><br />The thing is, there are a lot of really crappy musicals based on movies. I'm not going to name any names, but there are a lot. That's sort of Broadway's thing these days, because they're afraid, like Hollywood, of new ideas that aren't pre-packaged. And generally I'm against the idea of regurgitating old media to create new, redundant media. BUT, how fucking amazing would Conan The Barbarian be on Broadway?<br /><br />HOW ABOUT THIS AMAZING:<br /><br /><iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/OBGOQ7SsJrw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />And when you're done making millions off of Conan The Musical, you can follow up with making David Bowie's musical based on 1984, Diamond Dogs. You can thank me by paying me 5% of all profits on both pieces. Thanks.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-64958525608468303702011-11-29T14:17:00.002-05:002011-11-29T14:48:09.277-05:00To have a good timeMaybe it's that I've been waxing nostalgic for the YMCA summer camp I attended in 1986, and where I first heard this song, or maybe it's that I think sex is disgusting and sinful. Either way, I've got this on steady rotation this week.<br /><br /><iframe frameborder="0" width="480" height="359" src="http://www.dailymotion.com/embed/video/x216zv"></iframe><br /><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x216zv_jermaine-stewart-we-don-t-have-to-t_music" target="_blank">Jermaine Stewart - We Don't Have To Take Our...</a> <i>by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/jpdc11" target="_blank">jpdc11</a></i><br /><br />Weird to think Jermaine Stewart was 29 when this song dropped. He sounds like he's 17.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-61103400924136472542011-04-11T18:23:00.002-04:002011-04-12T10:38:21.680-04:00Curahee!!!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEm4PK_WaRD4jmbaFwYTQDS5vPufspa07KHoCAlsg787mdbWkSx4E9PALnHnxfS3Mc_cbh2L_MDBhhdqZIPqlBPAw7HUCAv-BHM0mNojAcLIFma9fINq2G-mG4tFvHesMoAH1H/s1600/FallofBerlin.jpg"><img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 78px; height: 125px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEm4PK_WaRD4jmbaFwYTQDS5vPufspa07KHoCAlsg787mdbWkSx4E9PALnHnxfS3Mc_cbh2L_MDBhhdqZIPqlBPAw7HUCAv-BHM0mNojAcLIFma9fINq2G-mG4tFvHesMoAH1H/s400/FallofBerlin.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5594703601460551810" border="0" /></a><br />Guys, I don't know about you, but World War II history is the best. Am I right? We're all on board together that there's no finer way to spend a Friday night then reading Antony Beevor's "The Fall of Berlin"? Good.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />So, if you've read a lot of World War II history, you'll hear about how this unit was the best, or this division, or this sniper. Everyone wants to be the #1 WWII person/group! Calm down, everyone was a winner. I think that we can safely say, as regards who was coolest, that the airborne was the coolest. Those guys are just super fucking cool. They jumped out of planes straight in to some combat. They didn't even wait. This is the entire instruction manual for new recruits at Camp Clairborne:<br /><br />1. Jump out of a mother fucking plane<br />2. Pull that rip cord, idiot.<br />3. Land.<br />4. Kill everybody<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihWcIqeIKLXfhh6kysJQWx6b7jghY6BVTEMK6vQ04OJ_MVQ11M6RAdO9v8TmWEnr-K0JU1AohmEX93F8_X_GVdm-mwnV8scYYgFnGeJChwKTVi54GKlUbAgvClCltrPcmWKb2n/s1600/DDay17.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 305px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihWcIqeIKLXfhh6kysJQWx6b7jghY6BVTEMK6vQ04OJ_MVQ11M6RAdO9v8TmWEnr-K0JU1AohmEX93F8_X_GVdm-mwnV8scYYgFnGeJChwKTVi54GKlUbAgvClCltrPcmWKb2n/s400/DDay17.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5594705482450011154" border="0" /></a>That's it. That's the only training they got. Insane. I can think of nothing in this world more terrifying than jumping out of a plane at one in the morning only to drop straight down directly into combat. That is some seriously scary shit. All of the accounts I've read talk about how once you jump it's less scary, because the fear is really all in not knowing what's going to happen, as opposed to being afraid of what is happening. But I know me, and if someone gave me a gun and asked me to jump out of a plane to be shot at, I would say "no thank you". I don't want my trousers covered in wee wee.<br /><br />But my friend Rachel didn't give me a gun and ask me to do all of that. All she asked is if I would jump out of a plane for her birthday, and I stupidly said yes. The way I figure it, if all of these men before me could jump out of plane and into combat, and do it for their country, then it wouldn't say much good about me if I couldn't jump out of a plane onto the (relatively) safe fields of New Jersey.<br /><br />So... I'm going to go jump out of a plane.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-51993228804756176032011-04-01T08:37:00.002-04:002011-04-01T08:41:27.673-04:00Goodbye, Cruel Fake-WorldHey Kids,<br /><br />Remember this shit? This was a blog I had. Some people probably still get emails everytime I write in it, which in the last year was about once, and in the last three years maybe two more times.<br /><br />Well guess what? I quit playing video games for the entire month of April. No more senseless violence. No more moral rudderlessness. Yup, all of the wonderful e-debauchery must stop, at least for now, so that I can focus on work and projects. And with that focus I though, what better way to hone some of my energies than with my good, dear old friend, Toilet Time for Tiny Town.<br /><br />So expect to see some new posts coming up. Maybe a hilarious movie review that will continue for years to create random vitriol on the part of internet readers around the world, or a terribly conceived political "humor" piece from a man thoroughly unqualified to write one. WHO KNOWS? Certainly not this guy (points thumbs back at self)... I can barely read.<br /><br />JohnJohn Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-13878639147806783602011-01-17T10:45:00.002-05:002011-12-15T11:30:12.496-05:00New ad<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOiIDK23ZE2acPIl90SzBiGvd9hBWeFq4xtd0Pz_xZkUg1Y3rdMUTjZppcoapmW7PlAyv12SKuPDkUd0C4HznxpZT0Ey7HrG26Dy_TVBZcDkM-G3SUr1I6ozh2KykBAQ-XhY5J/s1600/PilsnerUrkel.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 336px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOiIDK23ZE2acPIl90SzBiGvd9hBWeFq4xtd0Pz_xZkUg1Y3rdMUTjZppcoapmW7PlAyv12SKuPDkUd0C4HznxpZT0Ey7HrG26Dy_TVBZcDkM-G3SUr1I6ozh2KykBAQ-XhY5J/s400/PilsnerUrkel.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5563181648905651618" border="0" /></a><br />Pilsner Urquell's new ad campaign. Think of it as Pilsner Urkel.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-54154282909991324922007-12-19T00:54:00.001-05:002011-12-15T11:32:07.122-05:00Fuck you Google robotStupid son of a bitch... I'll kill you robot. You mark my words, when I find out where you are, which I assume is somewhere in California, because that's where all your type live, I'm gonna hack you apart with an axe... or run a magnet over your brain.<br /><br />Seriously... Why is it that I, the <span style="font-style: italic;">real </span>John Kingman, come in after "Sir" John Kingman, a science fiction story about a fictional John Kingman, and a bunch of dead John Kingmans? Don't you understand how much I crave attention? I ruin parties because I need to be the center of everyone's focus. One two three all eyes on me! That's what I'm talking about.<br /><br />So, come on... man... robot. Give it to me. Give me that number one Google spot. I need that shit so bad I can taste it. I'll do anything. I'll suck your robot dick.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-6029612239600794642007-11-05T12:05:00.000-05:002007-11-05T12:44:42.238-05:00Democracy in action!!!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgP6Kp9I6HNs_NS12-CsydJD95lZv_2WfuW8hOGuWCikbpJcAjAHagAycBEK4-r-hHL6kthLEG18eAWzJ77wIjbIUbuuIkMW5w7QY16DmuDlXsmBYVNUTG9CSdQgCJn65Pfj9G/s1600-h/MusharrafEPA0607_468x339.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgP6Kp9I6HNs_NS12-CsydJD95lZv_2WfuW8hOGuWCikbpJcAjAHagAycBEK4-r-hHL6kthLEG18eAWzJ77wIjbIUbuuIkMW5w7QY16DmuDlXsmBYVNUTG9CSdQgCJn65Pfj9G/s320/MusharrafEPA0607_468x339.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5129409204579307746" border="0" /></a><br />On Saturday night, while most of us American's were getting drunk and trying to find somebody desperate enough to share a bed with us, Pakistan's "President" Gen. Pervez Musharraf, decided that the only way to a fair and balanced democracy was to declare a state of emergancy in Pakistan, suspend the constitution, fire the supreme court and close or curb non state run broadcasts of TV and radio.<br /><br />I for one applaud him. In America, there are too many civil liberties being taken. I mean, how many times do I have to watch some idiot on the TV box bad mouth the administration, put forward their own political agendas or use the phrase "Va-Jay-Jay"? I think this country could use a nice injection of harsh and oppressive dictatorship.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeep4lW4CmlTCKqvw3R-fNT0XhZwbHZSmbvc2qZaewUWyFiR9DpBwIBFmEvbg9x7E1XMMIi3Kwg0BtztwdSa3u6vYYwYBWlx2lAT_gKxPcqEmTldXqU4kZTt5iBNiNfSDFLMit/s1600-h/05cnd-pakistan.ms.650.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeep4lW4CmlTCKqvw3R-fNT0XhZwbHZSmbvc2qZaewUWyFiR9DpBwIBFmEvbg9x7E1XMMIi3Kwg0BtztwdSa3u6vYYwYBWlx2lAT_gKxPcqEmTldXqU4kZTt5iBNiNfSDFLMit/s320/05cnd-pakistan.ms.650.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5129409775809958130" border="0" /></a>I mean, who wouldn't like to see some of these know it all lawyers being beaten in the streets? I for one would, as would the entire staff of Toilet Time for Tiny Town. In fact, Mr. Bush, should you choose to suspend Habeas Corpus, shut down the liberal media and send troops into the cities to maintain law and order, my staff and I would very much like to be in charge of beating dissidents in New York... We've put large sticks into our budget for fiscal '07 already.<br /><br />(The guy in the motorcycle helmet was just "passing by")<br /><br />We at Toilet Time for Tiny Town applaud Gen. Pervez Musharraf for his foresight and diligence in keeping the little people in the masses from making silly decisions, like free elections, or opposing a man who the people "gave" power in a coup he led back in '99.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu3IZIssZftFWtG00deHPE5NyCVJGObFjExH9V0viYS4ONHWICXUbAF3mupR4Y6BobVlEUzc_se6ijygRdda8nVQe-mP6dzEso_3-TBN8988JGsb8nlnldrd4Wi7-ivFfsaP3M/s1600-h/bush.musharraf.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu3IZIssZftFWtG00deHPE5NyCVJGObFjExH9V0viYS4ONHWICXUbAF3mupR4Y6BobVlEUzc_se6ijygRdda8nVQe-mP6dzEso_3-TBN8988JGsb8nlnldrd4Wi7-ivFfsaP3M/s320/bush.musharraf.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5129410432939954434" border="0" /></a>Also, we'd like to thank the Bush Administration for their tireless efforts to buoy Mr. Gen. Musharraf's government over the past few years. If not for his tireless efforts in the fight against terrorism, we might be losing the war, instead of winning it... like we are now. God bless America, and God bless Pakistan... as long as they continue to be so brave.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-42034816221837814822007-02-17T06:24:00.001-05:002011-12-08T10:03:00.346-05:00I shot thisI shot this... (For Jon Friedman of the Rejection Show)<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/I4rximg2R8w"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/I4rximg2R8w" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object><br /><br />And I shot and edited this... (For Mark and Rob of the Mark & Rob Show)<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/stN4bU6CZBY"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/stN4bU6CZBY" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object><br /><br />This also... (For Sara Schaefer for the Super Awesome 10 show)<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9nlCxrF8v3Y"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9nlCxrF8v3Y" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object><br /><br />And lastly this... (For Jon Daly and Brett Gelman for Channel 102)<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/XN-jjNtk-Ic"> </param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/XN-jjNtk-Ic" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350"> </embed> </object><br /><br />I did not shoot this...<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdPm1mx8Ik5eB4ixUiFEHBA3medGZUHP5FsIYBpZ5RwsMnnqWSHzfAoDN93fUeRVcU9fV4gJ4d4-vryNd_05QFp5kaSHRspZ0hm-o6fWfnK3KvICllV7UO5vvf9BvMO0s4NBsG/s1600-h/JFK.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdPm1mx8Ik5eB4ixUiFEHBA3medGZUHP5FsIYBpZ5RwsMnnqWSHzfAoDN93fUeRVcU9fV4gJ4d4-vryNd_05QFp5kaSHRspZ0hm-o6fWfnK3KvICllV7UO5vvf9BvMO0s4NBsG/s320/JFK.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5032577326297496962" /></a>John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-77583317632023665682007-02-16T15:54:00.000-05:002007-02-16T16:44:27.007-05:00Been a long time since I rapped at ya'Well hello there, <br /><br />I guess you've all been wondering, what happened to Toilet Time for Tiny Town? "Where will I turn for news now? The economist?!?" Fear not gentle reader, I won't subject you to that humility. Yes... Toilet Time for Tiny Town is back.<br /><br />First and foremost in the news, my name is now over the halfway mark on it's trip up page two of Google's "John Kingman" search. That's right, you only have to sift through one page and a half of another to find me, referenced to this fine e-publication. What does that mean in the grand scheme? I am finally somebody.<br /><br />Our second topic of conversation is the miserably small showing in the contest I started back in November to design a TTFTT logo. No one, not one person, submitted an idea. Why? We did some careful market research, fearing that no one read this blog, and found that not to be the case. Our research instead found a very unsettling aspect to our demographic. You, the reader, are lazy... and incompetant. Now, we could try and change our content to attract a smarter, better looking reader, but we found out that we too are lazy, and disinterested in fixing this matter.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrJ8czP02EVPyx-hN09Q86cmB5pk1dHMMauds7xwTT-DOS5iGNtfJus9qS-OqiSR9FnojJ3dnSQEkL_gtSpjopv5c1eTc9JDSVwngSAxHoZLYmwlkw6x-96NGGfrxfwlrKkDPf/s1600-h/ColonelBastard.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrJ8czP02EVPyx-hN09Q86cmB5pk1dHMMauds7xwTT-DOS5iGNtfJus9qS-OqiSR9FnojJ3dnSQEkL_gtSpjopv5c1eTc9JDSVwngSAxHoZLYmwlkw6x-96NGGfrxfwlrKkDPf/s320/ColonelBastard.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5032250719804439906" /></a><br />Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, we would like to address those of you that have been following the up and coming Colonel Bastard. Our gossipy word-on-the-street correspondant found out that the Colonel will is currently working on two new songs, and videos to go along with them. Most exciting in this is that one of the tracks will feature a long time associate of Colonel Bastard's, Monzy of the Stanford crew.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi97NTOQ3ENjociiBLnKh-dW-BS-l94z4_VVYcjqOF82DhcV9BKTYrwq3bLIg0WBfEakWRsPOoqxWV6ynkuVNCf3B5JqwyAYhAx-YLtHV3BXDu3CEJYie61lhYobquKBpoOm_NC/s1600-h/monzy16_geeksta_f.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi97NTOQ3ENjociiBLnKh-dW-BS-l94z4_VVYcjqOF82DhcV9BKTYrwq3bLIg0WBfEakWRsPOoqxWV6ynkuVNCf3B5JqwyAYhAx-YLtHV3BXDu3CEJYie61lhYobquKBpoOm_NC/s320/monzy16_geeksta_f.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5032250642495028562" /></a><br />We are looking forward to hearing and seeing this with baited breath.<br /><br />So hopefully we'll be dropping some more entries soon... peace out assholes.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-78845334718518835102007-01-05T14:50:00.000-05:002007-01-05T18:31:40.987-05:00The videos are finally up!!!As many of you know, we here at Toilet Time for Tiny Town try and stay abreast (Hah!! Breast!) of current musical acts. We came across this particular rapper when we were in a Duane Reade and overheard him becoming disgruntled with an employee when they told him there was a coupon limit on M&Ms party bags. He kept screaming "Y'all don't know me! I'm Colonel Fucking Bastard B!!" We had no idea what he was talking about, so we googled "Colonel Fucking Bastard" and found some really disturbing pictures. Then one of the interns suggested we check under just "Colonel Bastard". We did that but mostly we found stuff about some band from England.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD8VA-qJscjmIQJVf0GHSPLLodhFYKYYGCQvytd8dVR6cp0vxCIQeXmdgBoMVJcL9gwf_gH0KSd6DWkRhQcy_jhZ8JRcInQp1eTEarz__U-2sx8asf-1dxSEKoTLaz70eCSQ4v/s1600-h/colonel_bastard.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD8VA-qJscjmIQJVf0GHSPLLodhFYKYYGCQvytd8dVR6cp0vxCIQeXmdgBoMVJcL9gwf_gH0KSd6DWkRhQcy_jhZ8JRcInQp1eTEarz__U-2sx8asf-1dxSEKoTLaz70eCSQ4v/s320/colonel_bastard.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5016639307564323218" /></a><br />After a lot of dilligence we found what we were looking for, Colonel Bastard the rapper. Featured twice in the lovely stage show "video gaga" hosted by our dear friend Sara Schaefer, Colonel Bastard brings delightfully inane tracks about Hot Dogs and Heart Break. Featuring the acting talents of Dan McCoy, Charlie Sanders, Jon Kern and Sara herself, the videos are so hot the computer we watched them on burned it's foot print in to the desk. Check these out:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/pAS8hHJK_zo"> </param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/pAS8hHJK_zo" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350"> </embed> </object><br /><br />If you had trouble viewing it you can go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAS8hHJK_zo<br />And if you didn't like that one, here's another:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/5Ip15g1SrwY"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/5Ip15g1SrwY" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="600" height="350"></embed></object><br /><br />This too can be viewed through the URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ip15g1SrwY<br /><br />You may think to yourself "These videos are crap". Well if that's the case please send your home address to our mailing list along with details about how to get into your home, when you'll be there and what your darkest fear is... we'll be sure to stop by! Otherwise, turn up the subwoofer on your nerdy gaming computer and let the beat bump you... bump you hard.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-30951671083161959122006-12-19T11:43:00.000-05:002006-12-19T16:36:55.581-05:00My second Fisher Price PostSo it's been nearly a year since I wrote the first Toilet Time for Tiny Town post, though the blog had a different name at the time. It's been a wild year for me, and as many of you know, a lot has taken place. Now I could use this opportunity to do a year in review re-cap, but TTFTT has a no true stories about the Editor's personal life policy, so instead of going through all the things that happened to me personally and have some depth, I'll refer to some random shit.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9I_ESyGzWnEIc4hiZt5wvq3HsM8O12ZOeL03f8QamDccDRlAKHibt-_1nhkpFxvOsfXaagmAoiXxsYHu1y7_2YNShho6QS1yudoq4gSRj-qdCHRwA2mou31JFv2FkeRNo1lgc/s1600-h/Stapleremover.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9I_ESyGzWnEIc4hiZt5wvq3HsM8O12ZOeL03f8QamDccDRlAKHibt-_1nhkpFxvOsfXaagmAoiXxsYHu1y7_2YNShho6QS1yudoq4gSRj-qdCHRwA2mou31JFv2FkeRNo1lgc/s320/Stapleremover.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5010290496969354690" /></a><br />Remember when I had that staple remover that I drew googly eyes on? Somebody stole it from my desk. Who steals a staple remover?!? Commies, that's who.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhybKurzaQcPbFZu_UpvwyOJQtKlQ25pFS17n-Lj4-Ca5OuxPJsBfAoCyTDFdTVjmtfDfxpB4vK_fxyv_A9beRzWoIAE1QFBff6FCeGELUQ5pT25VjoYk-TlDFcfM0H81KEiqS7/s1600-h/roof+Fire_01.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhybKurzaQcPbFZu_UpvwyOJQtKlQ25pFS17n-Lj4-Ca5OuxPJsBfAoCyTDFdTVjmtfDfxpB4vK_fxyv_A9beRzWoIAE1QFBff6FCeGELUQ5pT25VjoYk-TlDFcfM0H81KEiqS7/s320/roof+Fire_01.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5010290642998242770" /></a><br />One morning I woke up and it looked like it was raining outside. Turned out to be the largest fire in NY since 9/11. I was late to work because I kept walking towards the fire, like a moth to flame, so that I could get a better picture of it. It seemed so close, but like a rainbow, it was actually very far away... and marked a leprechaun's pot of gold... a leprechaun with pyromania.<br /><br />On the way to a party I was walking down Berry St. and saw a girl stumble out of the record shop on Metropolitan, turn the corner and fall over puking. I thought to myself "I should help her" but it was 7:30 and anyone that gets that drunk by 7:30 doesn't deserve the help. People need to hit rock bottom before they can come back up.<br /><br />Last New Years I tried to climb the two stories to get to the bedroom in Philadelphia where a bunch of my fellow party goers were singing songs. I thought it would be funny to pop my head in the window and make some faces. I made it a story and a half before I noticed a bunch of power lines blocking my ascent. Good thing I saw those.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuw-c5vab-FbBhhkbJbU6bFTupwu9Mi1Sjr_q6FYBgZ4uW3D3u4iosznjC2zHgoE5slxOEHQhjJJK1UdolxyPupvgY2gQAfce8UK7n2pprWvffn2e7UuZ07VuCmtbxX2yfKmLL/s1600-h/00_img02.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuw-c5vab-FbBhhkbJbU6bFTupwu9Mi1Sjr_q6FYBgZ4uW3D3u4iosznjC2zHgoE5slxOEHQhjJJK1UdolxyPupvgY2gQAfce8UK7n2pprWvffn2e7UuZ07VuCmtbxX2yfKmLL/s320/00_img02.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5010290776142228962" /></a><br />I sang no Karaoke this year. Not one verse. You know why? I hate Karaoke.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn0YwqF2Oxs0xpSY3c0XWCGX5moALF581Y3DNoI5sFphsWipFgRfen-3eWlBMTst3bxusRVRvC95gB1kVl4MIjaNf1sr413C6mwz6Tua2jrqEldwos_gkfFYrVeDz_dbfTWT-w/s1600-h/5df5a89c04b7d85b179b282ac4c9e83e.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn0YwqF2Oxs0xpSY3c0XWCGX5moALF581Y3DNoI5sFphsWipFgRfen-3eWlBMTst3bxusRVRvC95gB1kVl4MIjaNf1sr413C6mwz6Tua2jrqEldwos_gkfFYrVeDz_dbfTWT-w/s320/5df5a89c04b7d85b179b282ac4c9e83e.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5010355058917748226" /></a><br />During video gaga shows I pissed my pants, had a nose bleed, stabbed Dan McCoy to death, watched Dujeous do a live performance, met the Walkmen, called Sara the "C" word on more than one occasion, cried and tried desperately to impart a little bit of wisdom in an otherwise vapid show. But you know what really made my time with the show great? The slutty groupies.<br /><br />Sometimes when you think about your life you can lose focus on the entirety because you're so caught up in the present situation. Charlie and I go to the Roebling tea Room a lot and reflect on this. I mean, there are times when I think "Kingman, what have you really done with your life? You're 27, single, working jobs you're over qualified for and disinterested in to boot. What have you really accomplished?" Well to myself I can only say this "Why don't you shut the fuck up you whiney little baby. You're John "Fucking" Kingman, a.k.a. Colonel Bastard, a.k.a. Margaret Thatcher."<br /><br />Of course, I also made Toilet Time for Tiny Town what it is. A blog I write in when I'm bored at work.<br /><br />Happy Holidays!!!John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-66553009433787647382006-12-08T16:02:00.000-05:002006-12-08T16:07:32.467-05:00Overhaul for TTFTTYou may notice that the Toilet Time for Tiny Town you know and love has changed a bit... well, that's because it has. Good work, your powers of perception are incredible. Really, we're very proud of you for being able to observe the obvious. What's next for TTFTT now that we're all shiny and new? Well the contest is still under way and we've been getting some good submissions, but we're not there yet. The winner will be chosen on January first to ring in the New Year. So keep sending in your pictures and we'll keep making fun of them in the editing room!<br /><br />-The staff of Toilet Time for Tiny TownJohn Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-1165439847063781422006-12-06T16:06:00.000-05:002006-12-06T16:17:27.083-05:00Contest time!!!Hey all,<br /><br />We here at Toilet Time for Tiny Town are proud to announce the first TTFTT contest!!! For our first contest we are having a competition for the best Toilet Time for Tiny Town logo. Why are we doing this? Well, we want to make t-shirts and other paraphernalia. Our design department has been working tirelessly on various ideas, but no one at the top liked them. So, without further adieu, we launch the competition.<br /><br />The details are as follows: The submission must be in a JPEG format, hand drawn pictures or wood cuts are not accepted, unless they've been photographed and sent in JPEG format. The image should be made to stand alone on a t-shirt. The design should not contain our name, as we would like to be able to put that on the back or front of the shirt, whichever side the logo isn't on.<br /><br />The theme is this: What does Toilet Time for Tiny Town mean to you? What's your take on the title? We're not talking about the actual content of our site, but only what the name implies in your mind.<br /><br />The prize: The winner of the contest will receive a free t-shirt with their design prominently displayed. In future contests these t-shirts will be given as prizes.<br /><br />Send all submissions to toilettimefortinytown@gmail.comJohn Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-1164904602775328742006-11-30T11:19:00.000-05:002006-11-30T12:02:50.916-05:00MAC in Black<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/6152/3245/1600/737556/RobinRobsPooh.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/6152/3245/320/763608/RobinRobsPooh.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Clinique is going through some changes. It's finding hair where there hadn't been hair before, it's voice is changing and it's having painful growth spurts. Much like most adolescents it's trying to shed off some of the trappings of it's childhood. So, much like Puff the Magic Dragon, The Velveteen Rabbit, and the time when Christopher Robin robbed Pooh to re-sell his honey for Meth, I am being cast aside from the newly nearly adult Clinique. I have been let go.<br /><br />Don't fret though. This doesn't mean that Toilet Time for Tiny Town is loosing the house we grew up in, and we'll still be able to eat... we're just being forced to move on from a job that, face facts, we never really thought of as a career.<br /><br />Now, does this mean we're moving into a career? Of course not. Careers are for proactive people, not me. In a fit of proactivity though, I wrote my friend Zoe at MAC to tell her of my misfortune and see if there were any openings at MAC, or if she knew about any cool jobs in general. I wrote "Oh crap, oh crap, I lost my job. I can't breathe.. my shirt neck is too tight, I can't breathe. I think I'm having a heart attack!" to which she replied "We have a job here that would be perfect for you, I'm so excited that you might come back!" Zoe is really nice, but a terrible liar.<br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/6152/3245/1600/943026/fab%20florals.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/6152/3245/320/966313/fab%20florals.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Most of you don't know that I started out my meteoric rise to power at MAC two and a half years ago. Now, while Zoe has fond memories of me being there, it's only because she's been systematically repressing the true memories. For instance, I typically started my days there with a pint of Gin mixed with Sprite. By noon I'd be so out of it I'd think Zoe was my ex-girlfriend Lisa and I'd start calling her a whore for sleeping with my friend Adam. From 2pm onwards I'd nap, and then try and finish my work when I woke up, but still leave at five on the dot.<br /><br />But the position Zoe was telling me about sounds pretty great. I mean sure, there's a lot of administrative stuff I'd be doing, and some database work and what not, but I'd also be producing/directing the training videos for MAC... and that's right up my alley. I could be the next Scorsese of industrial film. When the Dusties happen I could be winning awards!<br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/6152/3245/1600/683528/01327180402.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/6152/3245/320/706057/01327180402.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />So my last day at Clinique is December 20th. I'm sure there's a crazy party in the works, and I firmly expect all the hot girls who work here to tell me about their long standing secret crushes on me. I also expect gifts... expensive gifts. If this doesn't happen you damn well better believe there'll be hell to pay.<br /><br />To my friends and colleagues at Clinique... the one person who reads the blog from here... thank you for making the last year and a half an enjoyable one, even if that enjoyment had nothing to do with the work involved.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-1164217963913611422006-11-22T11:59:00.000-05:002006-11-22T12:52:43.926-05:00Happy Turkey Day Y'all<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/Turkeycution.0.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/400/Turkeycution.0.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Toilet Time for Tiny Town will be taking a short break for the Holiday, so make sure to spend some time with friends and family. And remember, if you were thinking about killing yourself, now's the time to do it!!! Holidays have the highest instances of suicide which makes tomorrow the perfect time to slit your wrists, hang yourself, put a bullet in your noggin or overdose. Happy Thanksgiving!<br /><br />Love,<br /><br />The Staff of Toilet Time for Tiny TownJohn Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-1164132335544512632006-11-21T12:00:00.000-05:002006-11-21T13:05:35.560-05:00Shakespeare it's notLast night I went to see a screening of the new film "Curse of the Golden Flower" by the guy that did "House of a Thousand Daggers". I didn't see "House of a Thousand Daggers" but I've heard good things about it. Well I'm happy to report that "Curse of the Golden Flower" was an epic... and epic piece of crap.<br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/xin_382070307162368722821.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/320/xin_382070307162368722821.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />The movie is supposedly part of the "Gung-Fu" genre. As best as I can tell that means super human Kung-Fu in film. There was depressingly little actual Gung-Fu in the movie though, and most of the fighting that did take place was CGI battles where thousands of soldiers stood in place and waved their swords around. There was one fight in the first scene, and the next didn't happen until about a half hour later, at which point I'd soiled myself out of boredom. If it hadn't been for my companion at the film I might have killed myself, but thankfully I was talked down.<br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/Three-Princes.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/320/Three-Princes.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />The film centers around a royal family. I get the impression that this movie takes place pre-unification of China, though there's nothing in it that's historically accurate enough to give a sense of the era, past the fact that it's clearly middle ages... in China. The king, Chow Yun-Fat, is preparing for the Chrysanthamum festival (Chrysanthamums are GOLDEN FLOWERS!!! BUM BUM BUM) and his second eldest son, played by Jay Chou, has just returned from the frontier. Within no time at all the intrigue begins. Family member upon family member is involved in various schemes to get at other family members... namely the King or Queen, played by Li Gong. I'm not going to spoil anything, because that's not what Toilet Time for Tiny Town is about, but let's just say that the intrigue was about as intriguing as watching Days of Our Lives... which is to say not at all.<br /><br />The thing is, most of the plot is done through a characters exposition. For instance, and this isn't an actual scene from the movie, it would play something like this:<br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/macbeth.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/200/macbeth.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />The King: Why have you come here?<br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/assassin.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/200/assassin.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />The Assassin: Well, the thing is. Ten years ago I was just a kid growing up in the streets of Quiang Xiou. You drove your chariot by me and hit a puddle as you were passing, soaking me to the bone. You looked directly at me and laughed, and I knew then you were a cruel man. Later that day I fell ill, because I was soaking wet and it was cold outside. The illness left me crippled for most of my childhood and it wasn't until I learned Kung-Fu that I fully recovered my self. Also, you slept with my Mom, who was one of your servants at the time, so you're actually my Dad. Lastly, just so you know, when you started a war with the Eastern provinces, it was really I who orchestrated the attempt on your life that precipitated the war, and I only did it in the hopes that the war would leave your forces weakened and far from the city, so that I could send my own army of assassins against you... which I have.<br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/m855426SP.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/320/m855426SP.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />BORING. The first rule of script writing is that you're supposed to show plot, not tell it. If you have to have characters explaining why things are happening in the movie it's because you suck as a script writer. By the time the movie was wrapping up, and at two hours that was a long time, I was laughing at nearly anything that happened because it was all so ridiculous. I couldn't wait for the movie to end... my butt hurt from the uncomfortable movie seats, my brain hurt from the wealth of useless information the characters were throwing out there, and my eyes hurt from watching battle scenes where hordes of soldiers attacked other hordes of soldierrs to no particular accomplishment.<br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/1439s.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/320/1439s.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Instead of watching this movie and seeing if you agree with me, I'm instead suggesting that you Netflix or rent the far Superior movie "Emperor and the Assasin" which is an infinitely greater movie, if not a Gung-Fu movie, and has an epic storyline filled with characters that are three dimensional, crazy battle scenes with no CGI, and stunning scenery that is all historically accurate and true to the last detail. Or pay 10.50 to see "Curse of the Golden Flower"... but if you do I'm not going to talk to you anymore... idiot.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-1163096102314190942006-11-09T12:56:00.000-05:002006-11-09T13:54:06.346-05:00Brooklyn Style Pizza<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/08domi.2.190.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/320/08domi.2.190.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Some of you who watch the TV box may have seen a little ad for something Domino's is calling the "Brooklyn" style pizza. It features ridiculously large pieces of pepperoni, and asks you to fold the pizza in half when eating it. Well let me tell you something... that ain't no Brooklyn style pizza.<br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/FoldHoldHalf.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/320/FoldHoldHalf.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />The only thing they got right is the folding. Some people prefer to gently fold, so that the slice forms a smile shape at the crust, whereas others (your's truly included) prefer to fold it all the way so that I can shove huge bites into my hungry, soon to be scalded, mouth. So in as much as this is the correct way to eat pizza in Brooklyn, I applaud Domino's for their efforts to pass culture along.<br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/FoldHoldComplete.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/320/FoldHoldComplete.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />As to the huge pepperoni... What the fuck were they thinking? What? In Brooklyn our pepperoni is so large? I have never in my life seen a pizza with pepperoni that size, not in Brooklyn, not in Texas. They should have called it the Texas style pizza. In Texas they have something called Texas toast. You know what it is?<br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/0005100015222_LG.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/320/0005100015222_LG.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Huge toast. That's it... that's what makes it Texas toast. That would make sense. Brooklyn style?!? Nothing doing.<br /><br />Here's what Brooklyn style pizza should be, broken down by neighborhood.<br /><br />Williamsburg style pizza: You order your pizza from some hipster who keeps putting you on hold because he/she's talking to a friend who stopped by the store. When your pizza does arrive you tip the hipster who delivered it and they look at your tip like "this is no where near enough for the baggy of coke I wanted to buy".<br /><br />Bushwick style pizza: You order your pizza and when you open the door to get it from the delivery guy, they point a gun at your head and take your wallet... and they don't even have the decency to let you keep the decoy pizza. Then the cops show up and tell you they'll look into it... You never hear from them again.<br /><br />Gowanus style pizza: The Domino's closes somewhere between the time you ordered the pizza and the time it should have been finished. The Domino's is replaced by a GAP, Urban Outfitters or Brooklyn Industries.<br /><br />So to all the marketing execs at Domino's: Take your heads out of your gigantic pizza fed asses and come up with something that makes sense. How about the Health Care Burden style pizza. It's just like a regular Domino's pizza, but without all the lies.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30285373.post-1162916338737555662006-11-07T10:39:00.002-05:002006-11-07T11:18:58.740-05:00House CleaningSo I've decided to take a little time to address those of you that read my little blog... because usually I'm writing only for the sake of myself. I've got a few things to go through, so sit back and relax.<br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/dit_mail.1.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/320/dit_mail.1.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />One: I've decided to start a mailing list. That's right! Everytime I post a new entry you can get an email telling you that I did that!!! All you have to do is write an email to<br /><br />ToiletTimeForTinyTown@Gmail.com<br /><br /> and say "I want to be subscribed to your blog" and I'll put you on the list. What could be easier? Who knows, maybe I'll start having contests and shit, with prizes!<br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/kingman.0.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/320/kingman.0.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Two: In an effort to get the Google Robots to realize how important I am, I've found that I need links to my site. Otherwise that British jerk "Sir" John Kingman will continue his unwholesome reign over the Google list of John Kingmans. So please feel free to link to me, and I in return will link to you (provided I don't find the content of your site offensive).<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/Kean%3AMenendez.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/320/Kean%3AMenendez.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Three: I'm so glad today is election day! If I had to watch one more slam ad from one ass to another ass both running for the same seat I swear I could have gone nuts. I mean, I want to watch commercials where fat middle aged men belittle their wives so they can watch football and eat pizza uninterrupted. I want to see super heroes do dances about having stomach upset and diarrhea. I don't want to hear how Tom Kean Jr. Supported Bush's war or how Menendez is linked to some huge corruption scandal. They both sound like dicks.<br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/1600/clara_peller5_150.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6152/3245/320/clara_peller5_150.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Bring back the where's the beef lady and let's get on with our lives.John Kingmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05710649995565348087noreply@blogger.com1