Fuck you Google robot

Stupid son of a bitch... I'll kill you robot. You mark my words, when I find out where you are, which I assume is somewhere in California, because that's where all your type live, I'm gonna hack you apart with an axe... or run a magnet over your brain.

Seriously... Why is it that I, the real John Kingman, come in after "Sir" John Kingman, a science fiction story about a fictional John Kingman, and a bunch of dead John Kingmans? Don't you understand how much I crave attention? I ruin parties because I need to be the center of everyone's focus. One two three all eyes on me! That's what I'm talking about.

So, come on... man... robot. Give it to me. Give me that number one Google spot. I need that shit so bad I can taste it. I'll do anything. I'll suck your robot dick.

Democracy in action!!!

On Saturday night, while most of us American's were getting drunk and trying to find somebody desperate enough to share a bed with us, Pakistan's "President" Gen. Pervez Musharraf, decided that the only way to a fair and balanced democracy was to declare a state of emergancy in Pakistan, suspend the constitution, fire the supreme court and close or curb non state run broadcasts of TV and radio.

I for one applaud him. In America, there are too many civil liberties being taken. I mean, how many times do I have to watch some idiot on the TV box bad mouth the administration, put forward their own political agendas or use the phrase "Va-Jay-Jay"? I think this country could use a nice injection of harsh and oppressive dictatorship.

I mean, who wouldn't like to see some of these know it all lawyers being beaten in the streets? I for one would, as would the entire staff of Toilet Time for Tiny Town. In fact, Mr. Bush, should you choose to suspend Habeas Corpus, shut down the liberal media and send troops into the cities to maintain law and order, my staff and I would very much like to be in charge of beating dissidents in New York... We've put large sticks into our budget for fiscal '07 already.

(The guy in the motorcycle helmet was just "passing by")

We at Toilet Time for Tiny Town applaud Gen. Pervez Musharraf for his foresight and diligence in keeping the little people in the masses from making silly decisions, like free elections, or opposing a man who the people "gave" power in a coup he led back in '99.

Also, we'd like to thank the Bush Administration for their tireless efforts to buoy Mr. Gen. Musharraf's government over the past few years. If not for his tireless efforts in the fight against terrorism, we might be losing the war, instead of winning it... like we are now. God bless America, and God bless Pakistan... as long as they continue to be so brave.

I shot this

I shot this... (For Jon Friedman of the Rejection Show)



And I shot and edited this... (For Mark and Rob of the Mark & Rob Show)



This also... (For Sara Schaefer for the Super Awesome 10 show)



And lastly this... (For Jon Daly and Brett Gelman for Channel 102)



I did not shoot this...

Been a long time since I rapped at ya'

Well hello there,

I guess you've all been wondering, what happened to Toilet Time for Tiny Town? "Where will I turn for news now? The economist?!?" Fear not gentle reader, I won't subject you to that humility. Yes... Toilet Time for Tiny Town is back.

First and foremost in the news, my name is now over the halfway mark on it's trip up page two of Google's "John Kingman" search. That's right, you only have to sift through one page and a half of another to find me, referenced to this fine e-publication. What does that mean in the grand scheme? I am finally somebody.

Our second topic of conversation is the miserably small showing in the contest I started back in November to design a TTFTT logo. No one, not one person, submitted an idea. Why? We did some careful market research, fearing that no one read this blog, and found that not to be the case. Our research instead found a very unsettling aspect to our demographic. You, the reader, are lazy... and incompetant. Now, we could try and change our content to attract a smarter, better looking reader, but we found out that we too are lazy, and disinterested in fixing this matter.


Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, we would like to address those of you that have been following the up and coming Colonel Bastard. Our gossipy word-on-the-street correspondant found out that the Colonel will is currently working on two new songs, and videos to go along with them. Most exciting in this is that one of the tracks will feature a long time associate of Colonel Bastard's, Monzy of the Stanford crew.

We are looking forward to hearing and seeing this with baited breath.

So hopefully we'll be dropping some more entries soon... peace out assholes.

The videos are finally up!!!

As many of you know, we here at Toilet Time for Tiny Town try and stay abreast (Hah!! Breast!) of current musical acts. We came across this particular rapper when we were in a Duane Reade and overheard him becoming disgruntled with an employee when they told him there was a coupon limit on M&Ms party bags. He kept screaming "Y'all don't know me! I'm Colonel Fucking Bastard B!!" We had no idea what he was talking about, so we googled "Colonel Fucking Bastard" and found some really disturbing pictures. Then one of the interns suggested we check under just "Colonel Bastard". We did that but mostly we found stuff about some band from England.

After a lot of dilligence we found what we were looking for, Colonel Bastard the rapper. Featured twice in the lovely stage show "video gaga" hosted by our dear friend Sara Schaefer, Colonel Bastard brings delightfully inane tracks about Hot Dogs and Heart Break. Featuring the acting talents of Dan McCoy, Charlie Sanders, Jon Kern and Sara herself, the videos are so hot the computer we watched them on burned it's foot print in to the desk. Check these out:



If you had trouble viewing it you can go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAS8hHJK_zo
And if you didn't like that one, here's another:



This too can be viewed through the URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ip15g1SrwY

You may think to yourself "These videos are crap". Well if that's the case please send your home address to our mailing list along with details about how to get into your home, when you'll be there and what your darkest fear is... we'll be sure to stop by! Otherwise, turn up the subwoofer on your nerdy gaming computer and let the beat bump you... bump you hard.