MAC in Black

Clinique is going through some changes. It's finding hair where there hadn't been hair before, it's voice is changing and it's having painful growth spurts. Much like most adolescents it's trying to shed off some of the trappings of it's childhood. So, much like Puff the Magic Dragon, The Velveteen Rabbit, and the time when Christopher Robin robbed Pooh to re-sell his honey for Meth, I am being cast aside from the newly nearly adult Clinique. I have been let go.

Don't fret though. This doesn't mean that Toilet Time for Tiny Town is loosing the house we grew up in, and we'll still be able to eat... we're just being forced to move on from a job that, face facts, we never really thought of as a career.

Now, does this mean we're moving into a career? Of course not. Careers are for proactive people, not me. In a fit of proactivity though, I wrote my friend Zoe at MAC to tell her of my misfortune and see if there were any openings at MAC, or if she knew about any cool jobs in general. I wrote "Oh crap, oh crap, I lost my job. I can't breathe.. my shirt neck is too tight, I can't breathe. I think I'm having a heart attack!" to which she replied "We have a job here that would be perfect for you, I'm so excited that you might come back!" Zoe is really nice, but a terrible liar.


Most of you don't know that I started out my meteoric rise to power at MAC two and a half years ago. Now, while Zoe has fond memories of me being there, it's only because she's been systematically repressing the true memories. For instance, I typically started my days there with a pint of Gin mixed with Sprite. By noon I'd be so out of it I'd think Zoe was my ex-girlfriend Lisa and I'd start calling her a whore for sleeping with my friend Adam. From 2pm onwards I'd nap, and then try and finish my work when I woke up, but still leave at five on the dot.

But the position Zoe was telling me about sounds pretty great. I mean sure, there's a lot of administrative stuff I'd be doing, and some database work and what not, but I'd also be producing/directing the training videos for MAC... and that's right up my alley. I could be the next Scorsese of industrial film. When the Dusties happen I could be winning awards!


So my last day at Clinique is December 20th. I'm sure there's a crazy party in the works, and I firmly expect all the hot girls who work here to tell me about their long standing secret crushes on me. I also expect gifts... expensive gifts. If this doesn't happen you damn well better believe there'll be hell to pay.

To my friends and colleagues at Clinique... the one person who reads the blog from here... thank you for making the last year and a half an enjoyable one, even if that enjoyment had nothing to do with the work involved.

Happy Turkey Day Y'all

Toilet Time for Tiny Town will be taking a short break for the Holiday, so make sure to spend some time with friends and family. And remember, if you were thinking about killing yourself, now's the time to do it!!! Holidays have the highest instances of suicide which makes tomorrow the perfect time to slit your wrists, hang yourself, put a bullet in your noggin or overdose. Happy Thanksgiving!

Love,

The Staff of Toilet Time for Tiny Town

Shakespeare it's not

Last night I went to see a screening of the new film "Curse of the Golden Flower" by the guy that did "House of a Thousand Daggers". I didn't see "House of a Thousand Daggers" but I've heard good things about it. Well I'm happy to report that "Curse of the Golden Flower" was an epic... and epic piece of crap.


The movie is supposedly part of the "Gung-Fu" genre. As best as I can tell that means super human Kung-Fu in film. There was depressingly little actual Gung-Fu in the movie though, and most of the fighting that did take place was CGI battles where thousands of soldiers stood in place and waved their swords around. There was one fight in the first scene, and the next didn't happen until about a half hour later, at which point I'd soiled myself out of boredom. If it hadn't been for my companion at the film I might have killed myself, but thankfully I was talked down.


The film centers around a royal family. I get the impression that this movie takes place pre-unification of China, though there's nothing in it that's historically accurate enough to give a sense of the era, past the fact that it's clearly middle ages... in China. The king, Chow Yun-Fat, is preparing for the Chrysanthamum festival (Chrysanthamums are GOLDEN FLOWERS!!! BUM BUM BUM) and his second eldest son, played by Jay Chou, has just returned from the frontier. Within no time at all the intrigue begins. Family member upon family member is involved in various schemes to get at other family members... namely the King or Queen, played by Li Gong. I'm not going to spoil anything, because that's not what Toilet Time for Tiny Town is about, but let's just say that the intrigue was about as intriguing as watching Days of Our Lives... which is to say not at all.

The thing is, most of the plot is done through a characters exposition. For instance, and this isn't an actual scene from the movie, it would play something like this:


The King: Why have you come here?


The Assassin: Well, the thing is. Ten years ago I was just a kid growing up in the streets of Quiang Xiou. You drove your chariot by me and hit a puddle as you were passing, soaking me to the bone. You looked directly at me and laughed, and I knew then you were a cruel man. Later that day I fell ill, because I was soaking wet and it was cold outside. The illness left me crippled for most of my childhood and it wasn't until I learned Kung-Fu that I fully recovered my self. Also, you slept with my Mom, who was one of your servants at the time, so you're actually my Dad. Lastly, just so you know, when you started a war with the Eastern provinces, it was really I who orchestrated the attempt on your life that precipitated the war, and I only did it in the hopes that the war would leave your forces weakened and far from the city, so that I could send my own army of assassins against you... which I have.


BORING. The first rule of script writing is that you're supposed to show plot, not tell it. If you have to have characters explaining why things are happening in the movie it's because you suck as a script writer. By the time the movie was wrapping up, and at two hours that was a long time, I was laughing at nearly anything that happened because it was all so ridiculous. I couldn't wait for the movie to end... my butt hurt from the uncomfortable movie seats, my brain hurt from the wealth of useless information the characters were throwing out there, and my eyes hurt from watching battle scenes where hordes of soldiers attacked other hordes of soldierrs to no particular accomplishment.


Instead of watching this movie and seeing if you agree with me, I'm instead suggesting that you Netflix or rent the far Superior movie "Emperor and the Assasin" which is an infinitely greater movie, if not a Gung-Fu movie, and has an epic storyline filled with characters that are three dimensional, crazy battle scenes with no CGI, and stunning scenery that is all historically accurate and true to the last detail. Or pay 10.50 to see "Curse of the Golden Flower"... but if you do I'm not going to talk to you anymore... idiot.

Brooklyn Style Pizza

Some of you who watch the TV box may have seen a little ad for something Domino's is calling the "Brooklyn" style pizza. It features ridiculously large pieces of pepperoni, and asks you to fold the pizza in half when eating it. Well let me tell you something... that ain't no Brooklyn style pizza.


The only thing they got right is the folding. Some people prefer to gently fold, so that the slice forms a smile shape at the crust, whereas others (your's truly included) prefer to fold it all the way so that I can shove huge bites into my hungry, soon to be scalded, mouth. So in as much as this is the correct way to eat pizza in Brooklyn, I applaud Domino's for their efforts to pass culture along.


As to the huge pepperoni... What the fuck were they thinking? What? In Brooklyn our pepperoni is so large? I have never in my life seen a pizza with pepperoni that size, not in Brooklyn, not in Texas. They should have called it the Texas style pizza. In Texas they have something called Texas toast. You know what it is?

Huge toast. That's it... that's what makes it Texas toast. That would make sense. Brooklyn style?!? Nothing doing.

Here's what Brooklyn style pizza should be, broken down by neighborhood.

Williamsburg style pizza: You order your pizza from some hipster who keeps putting you on hold because he/she's talking to a friend who stopped by the store. When your pizza does arrive you tip the hipster who delivered it and they look at your tip like "this is no where near enough for the baggy of coke I wanted to buy".

Bushwick style pizza: You order your pizza and when you open the door to get it from the delivery guy, they point a gun at your head and take your wallet... and they don't even have the decency to let you keep the decoy pizza. Then the cops show up and tell you they'll look into it... You never hear from them again.

Gowanus style pizza: The Domino's closes somewhere between the time you ordered the pizza and the time it should have been finished. The Domino's is replaced by a GAP, Urban Outfitters or Brooklyn Industries.

So to all the marketing execs at Domino's: Take your heads out of your gigantic pizza fed asses and come up with something that makes sense. How about the Health Care Burden style pizza. It's just like a regular Domino's pizza, but without all the lies.

House Cleaning

So I've decided to take a little time to address those of you that read my little blog... because usually I'm writing only for the sake of myself. I've got a few things to go through, so sit back and relax.


One: I've decided to start a mailing list. That's right! Everytime I post a new entry you can get an email telling you that I did that!!! All you have to do is write an email to

ToiletTimeForTinyTown@Gmail.com

and say "I want to be subscribed to your blog" and I'll put you on the list. What could be easier? Who knows, maybe I'll start having contests and shit, with prizes!


Two: In an effort to get the Google Robots to realize how important I am, I've found that I need links to my site. Otherwise that British jerk "Sir" John Kingman will continue his unwholesome reign over the Google list of John Kingmans. So please feel free to link to me, and I in return will link to you (provided I don't find the content of your site offensive).



Three: I'm so glad today is election day! If I had to watch one more slam ad from one ass to another ass both running for the same seat I swear I could have gone nuts. I mean, I want to watch commercials where fat middle aged men belittle their wives so they can watch football and eat pizza uninterrupted. I want to see super heroes do dances about having stomach upset and diarrhea. I don't want to hear how Tom Kean Jr. Supported Bush's war or how Menendez is linked to some huge corruption scandal. They both sound like dicks.

Bring back the where's the beef lady and let's get on with our lives.