The movie is supposedly part of the "Gung-Fu" genre. As best as I can tell that means super human Kung-Fu in film. There was depressingly little actual Gung-Fu in the movie though, and most of the fighting that did take place was CGI battles where thousands of soldiers stood in place and waved their swords around. There was one fight in the first scene, and the next didn't happen until about a half hour later, at which point I'd soiled myself out of boredom. If it hadn't been for my companion at the film I might have killed myself, but thankfully I was talked down.
The film centers around a royal family. I get the impression that this movie takes place pre-unification of China, though there's nothing in it that's historically accurate enough to give a sense of the era, past the fact that it's clearly middle ages... in China. The king, Chow Yun-Fat, is preparing for the Chrysanthamum festival (Chrysanthamums are GOLDEN FLOWERS!!! BUM BUM BUM) and his second eldest son, played by Jay Chou, has just returned from the frontier. Within no time at all the intrigue begins. Family member upon family member is involved in various schemes to get at other family members... namely the King or Queen, played by Li Gong. I'm not going to spoil anything, because that's not what Toilet Time for Tiny Town is about, but let's just say that the intrigue was about as intriguing as watching Days of Our Lives... which is to say not at all.
The thing is, most of the plot is done through a characters exposition. For instance, and this isn't an actual scene from the movie, it would play something like this:
The King: Why have you come here?
The Assassin: Well, the thing is. Ten years ago I was just a kid growing up in the streets of Quiang Xiou. You drove your chariot by me and hit a puddle as you were passing, soaking me to the bone. You looked directly at me and laughed, and I knew then you were a cruel man. Later that day I fell ill, because I was soaking wet and it was cold outside. The illness left me crippled for most of my childhood and it wasn't until I learned Kung-Fu that I fully recovered my self. Also, you slept with my Mom, who was one of your servants at the time, so you're actually my Dad. Lastly, just so you know, when you started a war with the Eastern provinces, it was really I who orchestrated the attempt on your life that precipitated the war, and I only did it in the hopes that the war would leave your forces weakened and far from the city, so that I could send my own army of assassins against you... which I have.
BORING. The first rule of script writing is that you're supposed to show plot, not tell it. If you have to have characters explaining why things are happening in the movie it's because you suck as a script writer. By the time the movie was wrapping up, and at two hours that was a long time, I was laughing at nearly anything that happened because it was all so ridiculous. I couldn't wait for the movie to end... my butt hurt from the uncomfortable movie seats, my brain hurt from the wealth of useless information the characters were throwing out there, and my eyes hurt from watching battle scenes where hordes of soldiers attacked other hordes of soldierrs to no particular accomplishment.
Instead of watching this movie and seeing if you agree with me, I'm instead suggesting that you Netflix or rent the far Superior movie "Emperor and the Assasin" which is an infinitely greater movie, if not a Gung-Fu movie, and has an epic storyline filled with characters that are three dimensional, crazy battle scenes with no CGI, and stunning scenery that is all historically accurate and true to the last detail. Or pay 10.50 to see "Curse of the Golden Flower"... but if you do I'm not going to talk to you anymore... idiot.
1 comment:
this is an intelligent film for intelligent people , thats why u found it boring , your tiny mind couldnt cope
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