Brooklyn Style Pizza

Some of you who watch the TV box may have seen a little ad for something Domino's is calling the "Brooklyn" style pizza. It features ridiculously large pieces of pepperoni, and asks you to fold the pizza in half when eating it. Well let me tell you something... that ain't no Brooklyn style pizza.


The only thing they got right is the folding. Some people prefer to gently fold, so that the slice forms a smile shape at the crust, whereas others (your's truly included) prefer to fold it all the way so that I can shove huge bites into my hungry, soon to be scalded, mouth. So in as much as this is the correct way to eat pizza in Brooklyn, I applaud Domino's for their efforts to pass culture along.


As to the huge pepperoni... What the fuck were they thinking? What? In Brooklyn our pepperoni is so large? I have never in my life seen a pizza with pepperoni that size, not in Brooklyn, not in Texas. They should have called it the Texas style pizza. In Texas they have something called Texas toast. You know what it is?

Huge toast. That's it... that's what makes it Texas toast. That would make sense. Brooklyn style?!? Nothing doing.

Here's what Brooklyn style pizza should be, broken down by neighborhood.

Williamsburg style pizza: You order your pizza from some hipster who keeps putting you on hold because he/she's talking to a friend who stopped by the store. When your pizza does arrive you tip the hipster who delivered it and they look at your tip like "this is no where near enough for the baggy of coke I wanted to buy".

Bushwick style pizza: You order your pizza and when you open the door to get it from the delivery guy, they point a gun at your head and take your wallet... and they don't even have the decency to let you keep the decoy pizza. Then the cops show up and tell you they'll look into it... You never hear from them again.

Gowanus style pizza: The Domino's closes somewhere between the time you ordered the pizza and the time it should have been finished. The Domino's is replaced by a GAP, Urban Outfitters or Brooklyn Industries.

So to all the marketing execs at Domino's: Take your heads out of your gigantic pizza fed asses and come up with something that makes sense. How about the Health Care Burden style pizza. It's just like a regular Domino's pizza, but without all the lies.