10 need to know tips for business management

1. When on a conference call or in a meeting with clients. Make sure to talk louder than them, and over them. Don't stop just because the client, who is paying you, keeps trying to say something.


2. When you decide to screw an employee out of something you owe them, make sure to pretend the reason it happened is because you can't figure out your email, or how the internet works. That makes you seem less evil, and 100% more incompetent.



3. Make sure your lies are super transparent, so that the person you're lying to is good and insulted at your low estimation of their intelligence.

4. Whatever business it is you're leading, don't learn anything about it. Make sure you know the least possible information regarding the ins and outs of your company. That information is for the little people.

5. This pairs with #4, but you need to micromanage all of the little people. You may not know what they're supposed to be doing, but don't let that stop you from telling them how to do it. Make sure to throw in technical words you heard them say.


6. If you've failed in your position as team leader, make sure to let everyone below you, who will now be directly impacted with layoffs and pay cuts, know that it's not your fault, and that you're ALL victims. That way they'll know that you're in it with them, and that when they lose their job, and you go home to your stable income, you're practically brothers in arms.

7. Do not let people below you voice opinions or ideas in meetings with clients. Clients need to know that your business revolves around you, and no one else. They should feel confident that you've hired lacky yes-men incapable of independent thought.

8. If you're starting a business, make sure to spend a lot of money on the appearance of the business, and cut costs on the things necessary to operations... unless those things make the business look shiny.


9. DO NOT DO MARKET RESEARCH. Market research is a waste of time and money. You know your business, and what you're hoping to accomplish with it, better than anybody else. Business is like a swimming pool, if you think there's water in there, jump.

10. You are always right... Always. Don't ever let anybody, your employees, the IRS or your dad tell you otherwise.