My 忍者 problem

Well, as many of you have heard me comment before, nothing skeeves me out worse than 忍者s. Sure, I hate cockroaches, I think all New Yorkers do, and mice as well. 忍者s? I'd rather burn my apartment down than have to put up with them. So I admit I was freaked out last weekend when I woke up in the middle of the night, got up to get a glass of water and found one. As I opened the refrigerator door I felt a presence to my right, and sure enough, in the cupboard was a 忍者... eating my raisin bran.

I tried to catch him, but he was too quick. I threw out the raisin bran (I'm not eating 忍者 tainted raisin bran) and went back to fitful, night terror filled, sleep.

The next morning I decided that once was enough. You have to stop these things when they start, like when Sollozo tried to have Don Corleone killed, or when CBS started airing Two and a Half Men. I went to King's Pharmacy and bought a bunch of 忍者 glue traps.

The instructions said to place them in key 忍者 spots in my home, namely near food, food preparation, chests full of gold, or Shoguns that may have contracts for their death's. Since I have no Shoguns in my apartment, and my chest of gold is guarded by a Leprechaun, I placed one in the kitchen, and one next to the Xbox... just in case they tried to save over my Grand Theft Auto game.

I must say that knowing the traps were there made it much easier to sleep. One of the worst parts about having a 忍者 infestation is the way you hear them scaling the walls, scurrying down the hallways, and muttering oaths of allegiance in Japanese. The first few days had no pay off, and the traps were bare. But then, this morning, I found one on the trap in the kitchen.

Problematic was the fact that the 忍者 was still alive. When I catch a mouse on a glue trap I drown them, believing that's the most humane way to dispatch it. But how do I drown the 忍者? It's too heavy to drag down to the East river, and my bath tub isn't big enough to fit the 忍者 and the glue trap. I didn't want the 忍者 to die of starvation and I didn't have the heart to bash it to death with a hammer (just think about the mess!).

So I did the only thing I could think to do: Using a knife duct taped to my broom, I carefully cut the fabric away from the 忍者's right arm. I then told the 忍者 it could choose between starvation and the honorable way out, 切腹 (Seppuku, or stomach slicing). And can you believe it?!? The 忍者 tried to throw the knife at my head! Well this made me mad, so this time I was a little more forceful when I offered the 忍者 the choice between starvation and suicide. I said "listen here mister, I don't how they do things over in Japan, but this is my house and you'll obey my rules. Now, which is it? Starvation or suicide?" The little bastard, he said he'd rather die from starvation than dishonor himself by committing suicide, especially when he'd done nothing to dishonor himself yet and had no fatal wounds. He'd called my bluff.

So now I've got 忍者s all over my apartment. The money I'm shelling out for pizzas and Japanese food is killing my wallet, but I'm too timid to starve them,

and once they start breeding forget about stopping them without an expensive 忍者 exterminator.
So if anyone knows anybody looking for a room mate, I need to get out of my place. Also, if you're looking for an apartment, mine is opening up soon (hopefully). It's got a bit of a 忍者 problem, but nothing a karate master can't handle.