Planet of the Apes Party Fun Time

I'd buy that for a dollar

I love Robocop... like, a lot. I was looking for something about the new Robocop movie slated to come out in 2012, and instead I stumbled on a bunch of other Robocop videos. These are great.

Kurtwood Smith's ground breaking performance, remixed:



These are two spots from across the Pacific using Robocop to shill fried chicken and noodles:





And, of course:

Videos!

Hey guys, I've got some videos I've done over the last few months that I thought I'd put up on the old blog. I shot and directed the first, directed the second, wrote and acted in the third, and produced the entirety of the latter. Let's take a look!

Matt Koff in "Love Boat Promo Outtakes (1978)


Sir Kensington's Theater: Shock & Acceptance


Hustlas: Episode One


Three Minutes in Turkey

10 need to know tips for business management

1. When on a conference call or in a meeting with clients. Make sure to talk louder than them, and over them. Don't stop just because the client, who is paying you, keeps trying to say something.


2. When you decide to screw an employee out of something you owe them, make sure to pretend the reason it happened is because you can't figure out your email, or how the internet works. That makes you seem less evil, and 100% more incompetent.



3. Make sure your lies are super transparent, so that the person you're lying to is good and insulted at your low estimation of their intelligence.

4. Whatever business it is you're leading, don't learn anything about it. Make sure you know the least possible information regarding the ins and outs of your company. That information is for the little people.

5. This pairs with #4, but you need to micromanage all of the little people. You may not know what they're supposed to be doing, but don't let that stop you from telling them how to do it. Make sure to throw in technical words you heard them say.


6. If you've failed in your position as team leader, make sure to let everyone below you, who will now be directly impacted with layoffs and pay cuts, know that it's not your fault, and that you're ALL victims. That way they'll know that you're in it with them, and that when they lose their job, and you go home to your stable income, you're practically brothers in arms.

7. Do not let people below you voice opinions or ideas in meetings with clients. Clients need to know that your business revolves around you, and no one else. They should feel confident that you've hired lacky yes-men incapable of independent thought.

8. If you're starting a business, make sure to spend a lot of money on the appearance of the business, and cut costs on the things necessary to operations... unless those things make the business look shiny.


9. DO NOT DO MARKET RESEARCH. Market research is a waste of time and money. You know your business, and what you're hoping to accomplish with it, better than anybody else. Business is like a swimming pool, if you think there's water in there, jump.

10. You are always right... Always. Don't ever let anybody, your employees, the IRS or your dad tell you otherwise.

It's Christmas time in the city

I know you've all been wondering what to get me this year. Well, look no further.



I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it.
Please gimme gimme gimme.
I've been ever so good this year.

Rick Perry: Confused

Rick Perry put out a video recently, which I'm sure you've all seen. If you haven't, take a moment to watch him complain about gays serving in the military while our poor children are forced to hide their Christianity from the world during Christmas.



What I like about Perry's video, is how he shows so much strength in fabricating "liberal attacks on our religious heritage".

Now, I don't know what Texas is like around this time of year, but you can't go one fucking block in New York, the gay/liberal/Jew capital of the Northeast, without seeing some sign of Christmas. I certainly haven't heard about any kristallnacht against stores displaying Christmas themes, like Best Buy, Urban Outfitters, or the GAP. Also, so far, the enormous Christmas tree at Rockerfeller Center hasn't been burned down.

Thankfully, some of the fine folks over at Second City came up with a retort video. I would donate all of my money to get this on the air.

Pancakes

First off, this rap is amazing. It's fast, it's well versed, and amazingly, it's coordinated with what he's actually doing.

Secondly, this guy is with Rhymesayers, which really needs to start getting more attention outside of the midwest. Rhymesayers has too many great artists to be ignored.



Also, fuck Chris Brown.

Will someone please make this?

I came across this a couple days ago when I was looking for a video featuring the main theme music from Conan the Barbarian. You know how it is, close to bedtime and all you really want is to get super pumped listening to "Anvil of Crom". Anyhoo, I stumbled on a video titled "Conan the Barbarian: The Musical" and it was really good. Like, it's funny... but I'd also pay money to see this on Broadway.

The thing is, there are a lot of really crappy musicals based on movies. I'm not going to name any names, but there are a lot. That's sort of Broadway's thing these days, because they're afraid, like Hollywood, of new ideas that aren't pre-packaged. And generally I'm against the idea of regurgitating old media to create new, redundant media. BUT, how fucking amazing would Conan The Barbarian be on Broadway?

HOW ABOUT THIS AMAZING:



And when you're done making millions off of Conan The Musical, you can follow up with making David Bowie's musical based on 1984, Diamond Dogs. You can thank me by paying me 5% of all profits on both pieces. Thanks.

To have a good time

Maybe it's that I've been waxing nostalgic for the YMCA summer camp I attended in 1986, and where I first heard this song, or maybe it's that I think sex is disgusting and sinful. Either way, I've got this on steady rotation this week.


Jermaine Stewart - We Don't Have To Take Our... by jpdc11

Weird to think Jermaine Stewart was 29 when this song dropped. He sounds like he's 17.

Curahee!!!

Guys, I don't know about you, but World War II history is the best. Am I right? We're all on board together that there's no finer way to spend a Friday night then reading Antony Beevor's "The Fall of Berlin"? Good.




So, if you've read a lot of World War II history, you'll hear about how this unit was the best, or this division, or this sniper. Everyone wants to be the #1 WWII person/group! Calm down, everyone was a winner. I think that we can safely say, as regards who was coolest, that the airborne was the coolest. Those guys are just super fucking cool. They jumped out of planes straight in to some combat. They didn't even wait. This is the entire instruction manual for new recruits at Camp Clairborne:

1. Jump out of a mother fucking plane
2. Pull that rip cord, idiot.
3. Land.
4. Kill everybody

That's it. That's the only training they got. Insane. I can think of nothing in this world more terrifying than jumping out of a plane at one in the morning only to drop straight down directly into combat. That is some seriously scary shit. All of the accounts I've read talk about how once you jump it's less scary, because the fear is really all in not knowing what's going to happen, as opposed to being afraid of what is happening. But I know me, and if someone gave me a gun and asked me to jump out of a plane to be shot at, I would say "no thank you". I don't want my trousers covered in wee wee.

But my friend Rachel didn't give me a gun and ask me to do all of that. All she asked is if I would jump out of a plane for her birthday, and I stupidly said yes. The way I figure it, if all of these men before me could jump out of plane and into combat, and do it for their country, then it wouldn't say much good about me if I couldn't jump out of a plane onto the (relatively) safe fields of New Jersey.

So... I'm going to go jump out of a plane.

Goodbye, Cruel Fake-World

Hey Kids,

Remember this shit? This was a blog I had. Some people probably still get emails everytime I write in it, which in the last year was about once, and in the last three years maybe two more times.

Well guess what? I quit playing video games for the entire month of April. No more senseless violence. No more moral rudderlessness. Yup, all of the wonderful e-debauchery must stop, at least for now, so that I can focus on work and projects. And with that focus I though, what better way to hone some of my energies than with my good, dear old friend, Toilet Time for Tiny Town.

So expect to see some new posts coming up. Maybe a hilarious movie review that will continue for years to create random vitriol on the part of internet readers around the world, or a terribly conceived political "humor" piece from a man thoroughly unqualified to write one. WHO KNOWS? Certainly not this guy (points thumbs back at self)... I can barely read.

John

New ad

Pilsner Urquell's new ad campaign. Think of it as Pilsner Urkel.